Monday, November 05, 2012

Random

As what the title states, this is a random post. A very random one I must say.
I've not blog for about 10 mths now (not THAT bad lah kan!).

In a span of 10mths, much has change. MUCH. But of coz, much HASN'T change either.
But I guess that is LIFE.

If I look back to the one year that has passed, I know that I have lost a lot. A LOT. But I learnt a lot too.
Most importantly, I learnt more about myself.

So much has happened that sometimes I feel like I've lost track of time. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in time. As in, I'm exactly where I am (being a 17 yr old ;p) while the rest of the world and life just zoom past me, just like that. I don't feel any older (or any mature lah kan) but it feels like everything else, everyone else around me has grown. I feel the urgent need to keep up with time. It's a real challenge coz most days, I feel like I'm chasing after time. But in actual fact, most days, I'm just wasting time. Ironic isn't it?

I'm still the same old me, who is looking for the same old thing and wishing for the same old stuffs.

Maybe I'll never be anything more than the same old same old.

Maybe I'm secretly or sub-consciously very comfortable with the same old same old.

Maybe this is it. Like this is what it's meant to be. Me, being same old me.

Urghhhh.

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 10:36 AM

Thursday, February 02, 2012

New Year, New You, New Me

Yes, I have finally re-entered my blog after a gazllion years of MIA. (Not that anyone is missing me or is even reading my posts!)

But I am back (I doubt for good. I'm going through a phase)!

The end of 2011 brings many, many lessons in life for me. And one very significant note in life is that come end of 2011, marks the end of my 2-yr very turbulent relationship with a man that I thought I could call my own, one fine day.

Loving someone unconditionally makes me more aware of myself and my capabilities and even though things went downhill (drastically after an upheaval), I am very very proud of myself. Lost a lot and learnt a lot.

The most amazing (actually bizarre) thing for me is that I have no regrets. And I mean it. (Still shocked about it though!) I mean, I am probably the only person who regrets every single decision I have made (even if it's as simple as what food to eat!), and yet I have no regret for making the choice I made for the past 2 years. And even though things fall apart very quickly (and hurtfully, I must say), I feel no hatred. Disappointment, hurt, betrayed but no regrets nor hatred.

OMG! Is this a sign of maturity?!!! ;p

Though he is a person I love very much (unfortunately, I realised, I wasn't in love with him for a very long time), sacrificed and went through a lot for, I am not looking back.

Yes people, this is IT. The real thing. So you can all put on your party hats and celebrate in joy cause your wishes came true! No mine, but YOUR wishes. Yeay. *tell me something I dunno*

Any-who, moving on.

Literally moving on. I discovered something. Not quite a good news for me. BUT more like OH MY SHIT kinda news. How do I say it here???

I kinda never realise that I had blardy strong feelings for someone from the past. From like 3 years ago. I knew I liked him. Then. I didn't know I liked him that much to still like him now. I didn't know that I like him that much more than I admit. I didn't know that I like him that much to risk getting hurt (again!). Wait, what am I saying, I KNOW I will get hurt.

So why do I even bother? Coz I like him THAT MUCH! Really really really like him and attracted to him. I DO NOT KNOW why I am attracted to him (totally not my type!) but I do. God! WTH am I doing???

I am enjoying his company especially because he makes me so happy. And I sometimes feel like holding him close and tight and never let him go coz whenever I am with him, the time literally stops. Now I know what it means. Never experienced that before.

And.... I am so afraid of falling for him... and I know I will. And it suck coz I know we can never be together. Oh why do I always get "forbidden love"?

And I miss him so so much. When he hold my hands, it feels like nothing else matters. We are so comfortable with one another and our conversations non-stop.

Haiz.

I'm doomed.

So much for a new year, a new me and a new you.

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 11:40 AM

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

~ suck me into the core ~

So I know you got married, and I did for a brief moment thought your wife looked pregnant in the honeymoon pics. And now I know she's really pregnant. I wanna be happy for you. But I can't. And for my own rights, I won't. Why? Coz that was suppose to be me. In another dimension, WE were supposed to be married. And now, you carry on with your life into this whole "blissfully married" shit, have a good job (I think!), have my favourite car (i hate you!), have a good wife (i hope not, really!) and very financially stable (well, you've always been, you lucky ass!) and where am I? Still at nothing. NOTHING! You have this perfect, smooth life while I have the same old shit. Eh wait a minute, not the same old shit. Worse SHIT! Why? Why is it always so hard for me? I read so so so many times and even tell myself a gazillion time that God knows I'm strong for all this shit and that's why He put me through it. But guess what? I am not strong anymore. There's a limit to how many punches I can take, before I actually lie down, face the sun and wait to die, and rot. And right now, that's exactly what I wanna do. Rot. Or go find a hole and bury myself. Or find something that can suck me into Gaia's core. I just wanna disappear. No trace. Nothing. I feel I have no value, coz I am not valued. You know what? I hate you. I hate all of you. I hope one day you regret this, you asshole. I really hate you. You ruin my life. You and so many other shitheads!

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 9:11 AM

Friday, July 30, 2010

Untitled

I am not perfect, I won't be perfect
and I don't want to be perfect.
As I am beautiful in so many ways.

I am in control of my own life,
and I must understand that I can't control
other's opinions and judgements.
And so I can't let that ruin my life.

"We can't prevent what we can't predict,
just enjoy this beautiful day,
we get so few of them..."

I have to live in the now.

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 10:31 AM

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I'm in a blardy desperate need for pampering!
I need the spa session now!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:22 PM

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Birthday Countdown!

I think this is the first time in my life that I am not looking forward to my birthday as I actually FORGOT that it's my birthday tmr! How can that happen??? Maybe sbb dh lama tk tgk calendar and lose track of time, I didn't realise that tmr is 23 Sept!

As I am writing this entry, it is exactly 1 hr to my birthday. Meaning, I have 1 hr left. Meaning...
Haiz... That is well-written ya?

To not disappoint my gentle readers, I shall continue the tradition of posting my birthday wish (a.k.a my birthday present list). Ini bukan apa, menyenangkan korang2 sumer utk mendapatkan hadiah yg ku ingini...

1) I want MONEY! Babes, gotta be frank, I am broke. My med bills are killing me softly, and I am already in the no-pay leave phase of MC. So pls hor, cash will be good, above $200 each is better!

2) I still want a bf! ( I wanted to say husband, bt sum1 has been telling me nt to get married recently!) Oklah.... actually I dun really want a bf, i just want a male fren that I can talk to whenver I feel like it! Hahahahahah! TTM man! (Shit, i sound like a bitch now)

3) Of coz, I do want a car. A small car pls! Like a cooper, a beetle, swift. ;p I certainly dun need one, bt I would love to have one. Shahreil, get me a BMW k! Thanks abg ipar!

4) I want a blackberry! Y? Coz I do not have a handphone. All this while I've been suing my father's hp and I want my own hp and I am eyeing on a blackberry!

Short list this year! But all the presents HAVE and MUST be diiringi dgn doa for me k! I wanna be happy, rich, successful, healthy and married to Hans Isaac! (this man, I'll marry!)

Ok ppl, go get my gifts now!

Cheers!
Shikin

Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 10:59 PM

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Syawal 2009

Takbir bergema, menyambut Syawal
Ramadhan berakhir, melambaikan tangan
Sayu dihati makin terasa
Tatkala teringat orang yang tiada...

It's officially Syawal now... A day or a nite that used to be sooooo kecoh and well-anticipated for me has become sumting so... almost meaningless this year... I really hate growing up...

This year Raya has no meaning at all to me. None at all. Maybe for the fact that this year, I don't even feel Ramadhan's spirit. Now I know the true meaning of fasting and betapa ruginya orang yang tidak berpuasa - nikmat bulan Ramadhan and Syawal hilang macam tu jer...

In addition, keluarga kiter ditimpa bermcm2 musibah tahun ni yang membyebabkan kiter tkder mood utk beraya. And of course, reason no 1 is pemergian Pak Long... Masih susah untuk diproses yang Pak Long tkder... Semenjak dewasa, Raya tidak pernah lagi bererti "collection period" tetapi hari dimana aku bertemu dan berkumpul dgn keluarga besar yg tersayang... Tapi kita semua tidak menjangkakan yg tahun ini, salah satu yg disayangi tidak bersama kita... Tak tau kenapa hati ni jadi sayuuuuuuu sgt2 dgr takbir dan kepala otak ni asik teringat2 kan sgt pak long.... Mendengar imam yg tgh bertakbir kat depan block ni pun dh mcm dgr Pak Long bertakbir... (walaupun suaranyer tk sama lah sgt pun..) Mungkin kiter semua rindu kat dier, mungkin aku rindu kat dier.... Al-Fatihah Pak Long...

And sejak Along ni dah kawin, rumah ni rasa sunyi sgt... Bukanlah dier tu byk mulut pun masa tinggal kat sini... tp ntahlah, sbb dh slalu beramai agaknyer, hilang satu ekor ayam, terasa gak... Dahlah tahun ni berbuka pun mcm tkder org, JARANGGGGG sekali lebih dr 5 org, selalunyer 4 org jer kat rumah berbuka...

Haizzzz..

I am currently in my room, in my tidy room, while typing. I am also observing the room and thinking why do I feel like this year, this is my room padahal last year pun dh jadi bilik aku eh? Apa bezanya? Ntah lah, maybe I finally have sense of ownership kot? Ntah... Tapi bilik cantik2 pun, aku rasa sumting missing... missing sgt2... Bt then again, this year, semua pun aku rasa missing. Mcm kosong gitu... kalau artiste slalu kata, "no soul" inilah rasanya... Aku rasa masa tu dh nk kat sampai kot...

Oklah, enough of the low-spirited ramblings, raye-raye org nk hepi2 kan???

My Dear Gentle Readers,
Selamat Menyambut Syawal disamping orang-orang yang tersayang. Mintalah ampun dan maaf dari mereka dengan IKHLAS, kerana sesungguhnya kita takkan tau kalau kita akan dipersembahkan kesempatan itu lagi. Dan ingat, hari baik, bulan baik bukan hanya tertakluk pada bulan Ramadhan dan Syawal sajer, hari-hari lain pun sama jugak.

Kullu Amin Wa'antum Bil Khair!
Shikin Mohamad